it’s been said and done; every beautiful thought’s been already sung

It’s been three months, and little has changed in my life. Dad moved home. I went to the UK. Still working at a grocery store. Still looking for a real job.

Still have student loans to pay off.

Check back next month. Life should have changed by then.

 

i can make you hurt. i can take you down so low, i’ll make you want to cry.

I’m probably overly sensitive to this as I often have doubts and questions and struggle with my own faith; it’s never come easy to me, though it was simpler in high school:

I absolutely hate it when people belittle my faith simply because it’s Christianity. They preach tolerance, but they – the ubiquitous, prolific, anonymous they – are intolerant of the Christian God. It’s fashionable to be intolerant, and it literally tears me up inside when I read something disdainful or mocking, particularly if it’s from someone I admire. They’re so careful to not say anything demeaning about homosexuality or any other religion, but it’s open season on Christianity.

I don’t care about the inconsistencies you read about in a forwarded email or heard from an equally pretentious friend; you’ve not read the book yourself. I don’t care you’ve seen poverty and can’t see a God there; I can. I don’t care if you’ve had a hard life, been bullied; so have I…

… It’s hard to stand up and say I’m a Christian when people refuse to respect that and instead spew vitriol or mockery. It’s hard to be able to take that day after day, to be labelled as something I’m not once people learn I’m a Christian. Sometimes I just say I was brought up in an evangelical, conservative family. Sometimes I don’t say I’m still pretty conservative. I know what’s going to happen once people know: I’ll be that Christian girl.

I’m respectful. I’m tolerant. I don’t judge you by the actions of a few idiots. I don’t belittle your faith (or lack thereof). I’d like the same consideration.

If for no other reason that I’m really kinda passed the point of annoyance on this and might blow up at you.

 

So I’m listening to a sermon about comfort zones, and I realized my comfort zones are completely different from most people. Travel to the developing world? Sure, why not? Sign me up! Form real relationships with people? Unh uh.

 

burn the land, and boil the sea, you can’t take the sky from me…

I adore the way they talk in Firefly/Serenity, the mix of old-timey and Chinese and modern, the turns of phrases. I wish I had the creativity to make an entire way of speaking/universe as Joss Whedon did. ‘Course it’s also his job, and he has all the time in the world, but creative genius, he is.

(Thank you, SyFy.) (Also, whoa, does Nathan Fillion look a lot younger than on Castle.)

… and I didn’t realize how excited I was to see everyone this weekend and go back down to DC until another cashier asked me if I was working on Saturday, and I was like, “NO! I’M GOING OUT OF TOWN! TO A WEDDING! I GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!” all super-fast, babble-y and happy with a gigantic smile. Thanks, Saman Kamal, for getting married so I have a reason to spend money and come down to DC/Virginia!

 

… like to find a little hole in the ground for a while…

I’ve never watched Tsunami: the Aftermath. One reason is because I don’t like seeing dramatized real life unless it’s a re-enactment on like, the History Channel. The other main reason is because it’s simply not the type of movie I usually watch, even if it wasn’t based on real life.

But I told myself to get over it and watch it, and now I’ll probably have nightmares again.

The beginning was filmed at the resort I stayed at when I went to help with the relief work back in 2005.

What it really brings home is that seeing destruction on TV is nothing like seeing it in person. The emotion, the reality, the office chair on the roof with grass and shingles, a suitcase and a Santa hat – a picture might be worth a thousand words, but the reality is so, so different.

Now the exploitation of the area for the movie? That’s a whole ‘nother topic.

 

watchin’ you watchin’ me, I go all out

I lose Netflix streaming tonight at midnight, don’t use it enough, too expensive, also going down to just one disc. Since I’ve been wanting to watch the end of season 3 and beginning of season 4 of Numb3rs for a while and I can’t acquire it anywhere, I figured tonight was my last shot.

This – and perhaps the student/teacher homicides – was probably the best storyline on the show, simply because of the resonation it had through every single episode of the series thereafter. Colby was the muscle, but he was part of the team, and I don’t know that I ever fully trusted him after the Janus List, even if he was a triple spy. The emotion in David, how Colby didn’t falter through it all. Val Kilmer. Scott directing. Judd Hirsch, steady as a rock.

If every show was like this, television would be amazing.

 

i won’t deny it, i’m a straight ridah

Facts:

I have nearly 350 job-related emails in my gmail account.
It is likely I have applied to over 200 jobs, if not 250.
I have had four phone/Skype interviews and one task-oriented weedout this year.
I have had one in-person interview.
It has been five and a half weeks since my last phone interview.
It has been one day since I last was rejected for a job.
I have a Master’s degree, a Bachelor’s degree, AND an Associates degree, and I am working as a cashier at a grocery store.

… and people wonder why I’m not sunshine and smiles.

 

… don’t write me off just yet…

When I tell people I have a degree in public health and then explain what that means and how I want to work overseas, I often get stories of when they were in Mexico or the Caribbean and saw poor kids. It’s their way of identifying with me. It gets old but it’s interesting to hear other people’s opinions of slums. Or informal settlements. Whichever you think is the politically correct term.

The most common is: rich, white kids feeling sorry for the kids begging outside the “catered to tourists” restaurant thinking their couple dollars will make a difference… I don’t fault the rich, white kids; they were trying to be helpful, they saw a problem and tried to solve it in a way they could, and they didn’t realize that the money and food they were giving those kids was likely going to go to the person in charge of those particular beggars and not the kids themselves. But it’s sad and such a vicious cycle.

 

I’m watching Anderson Cooper, and he’s in Somalia with the famine and stuff because he’s awesome and the love of my life. And before this, I was watching So You Think You Can Dance (shush).

During So You Think You can Dance, UNICEF ran a commercial for donations ($10 can save 10 kids from starvation and ended with the question: do you want a child to die from malnutrition?), and half the commercial was about Plumpynut. AC is talking up Plumpynut like nothing else. Plumpynut is awesome but not a sustainable solution… but at this point does it matter? If some Plumpynut can get a kid from acute malnourishment to regular malnourishment, then isn’t that worth it?

And every damn disaster affirms what I’m doing, but why can’t I get a job doing something to help? I’d go there in a heartbeart. Why are there issues with aid – why can’t NGOs work together – why is there so much talk but no action? Why can’t we solve these problems so we can help people better?

And Sanjay Gupta, yes, there’s no medical supplies. Go to a developing nation that’s not in a disaster situation, and you’ll find the same problems. Also, tons of kids don’t have measles vaccines (albeit a worse thing when in a disaster). And seriously? You don’t know why kids under-five have their vaccines but teenagers don’t?

 

they’ll kick you, then they beat you, then they’ll tell you it’s fair

So, way back five or six years ago, I was thinking I was still going to become a doctor. Even though I knew med school apps look at every class you’ve ever taken in your entire life and I had way too many Fs (as in, any). Then came along Organic Chemistry.

I’m pretty positive if I actually went to class ever except for the tests, I’d probably have passed the class, but I got an F the first time and a D the second time (though the first time he curved the class grade, and if he had the second time, I would have gotten a C- and been able to progress into the second semester of Organic)… and I pretty much saw my dream of being a doctor die and thus changed my major because there was no need to take the heavy-hitting Bio classes then either. Also, I was barely passing them as well – for no real reason other than attendance. It’s not like I’m not smart enough.

So I never finished the year of Organic. I never took Microbiology. I didn’t see any reason for that to be a big deal anymore in my life.

Enter the Air Force.

My dad found a job listing for a Public Health Officer, and I pursued it because, hey, you get a signing bonus, and I’d always thought about going into the military, and I like structure in my life (otherwise, I do things like not go to class and fail).After a month of getting the runaround, I finally manage to get details (on the online chat function, of all places). My grad degree is fine. My undergrad is fine. The guy links to a bunch of classes you need if you didn’t specifically have a Bio major (mine was just science). The classes I need: the full year of Organic and Microbiology.

Had I passed those classes in the first place, would I be in this situation now? Nope. A bit of a tragic coincidence.

I looked up the class schedules at the local university ’cause clearly, I’m probably not getting a job soon. Micro and Organic are offered at the SAME time.

And for anyone counting, I’ve applied to 65 jobs in the month of July. Yep. 65.